Looking into the black hole

When standing on the edge of a black hole it is so tempting to jump in, even if you really don’t want to.

It seems the more you try to get out the harder it sucks you down. People talk about rational thinking and positive state of mind, how can you have these when the forces pulling are so strong and seemingly out of your hands.

The silent scream inside your head is so deafening, anything positive is hard to find or recognise even when it is found. It isn’t that you look at the bad side of things, there just isn’t any good side. Breathing is a chore.

I’d scream out loud if I could, but where is the energy? It’s only there to self destruct, just to see what would happen because the way things are they are just too painful. That is no reflection on my family – my wife and kid(s) are what I live for, what gives me the strength to get up each day.

blue day

Been having a few more of these lately.  Nothing really bad but just a lack of enthusiasm for anything and a distinct feeling that things are (in my head) getting worse.  Although sometimes I do feel the life draining out of me.

And if anyone asks, there is nothing wrong in my life at the moment – infact things are pretty damn good – but that is just the point… there is no reason why this happens to me.

I can’t believe the pills have stopped working so soon, it’s only been about 4 months.

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Happy anniversary Ping – 4 years married.

Yes, it is four years now since we got married.  Since then we have moved house twice, bought our own flat and had a lovely little girl called Phoebe.

Here’s to many more Ping. Love you lots and lots. xxx

Tonight we are all going to An Nam, Vietnamese restaurant.  Not sure what we will do this weekend but the weather doesn’t look great

Have I forgotten about this place?

Pretty much, yes.

I think work and holidays just made it impossible to think about anything else.  Once I finish working I just cannot be asked to spend another minute on the pc, especially when my daughter is around and I can make play-doe sweets, paint flowers and generally make a mess.

One thing I have done is look at SecondLife, as my old laptop died, the temp replacement I go actually works in SL.  Apparently my T40 would have if only I had updated the drivers for the graphics card.. oh well, probably gave myself some extra time in real life.

So far my opinion of SecondLfe is, it’s ok, but it has a long way to go.  It appears to be a glorified web front end or chat room, nothing more.  OK if you start investing money you may get some sort of return but not everyone can…that is obvious.

The other thing has been an incredible pain in my right shoulder which has stopped me sleeping and generally made me feel terrible, grumpy and much older than I am.  Waiting to get to  the top of the physio list at the local hospital, by which time I’ll probably need an op.

Back taking the blue pills.. not so good.

bored, bored, bored

can’t seem to find joy in anything right now.

can’t sleep, shoulder hurts like hell and Ping is going to see her Dad for 5 weeks.

don’t even know why I bother with this bloody blogging shit either.

would you adam and believe it – another leak!

Yes, last night I found water coming from the ceiling in the kitchen – no idea how long it had been coming through and I only found out because I was in a mood and looking for some keys.

This is now starting to feel like a cross between groundhog day and hell.  Will we ever move in? At the moment I feel like selling the damn place and packing it all in.

This after the weekend started so positively.  We went out on Saturday looking to make the most of the time to do some more work on other areas of the flat we hadn’t time for.  We changed the toilet and tiled the floor.  I stripped the wallpaper too.  We went out looking for a wardrobe and spotted one as we went to B&Q, in a house removals shop, just by the roadside, £145 for a solid pine, triple wardrobe and a set of drawers (3+2) £45 – whole lot for £180 – nice!

So now I have spoken to the builder, who cannot believe it.  Just called my solicitor to see what we can do re: compensation, so where decent to stay – hotel is killing us. Called the managing agents about the flat above and they still haven’t come back to me.  Luigi, the nice guy that owns it, is on hols in Italy – without him I have no hope and Bob Hope of getting this leak sorted.

black clouds again

It’s been a while but over the last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling down again, almost to the point of wishing I had a gun, the pain in my head is too much somedays.

I thought this was over as over the last 9 months I’ve felt better mentally each day, if not always physically.

The job change and a heft dose of St Johns Wort seemed to have made a difference to the point where I could deal with things. Now I’m not so sure. Temper is getting shorter and sleep is becoming less. Feeling isolated again and helpless. Can’t connect to people around me. This happened last year at the sametime.

I don’t think my nans death has helped but it was certainly there before, I remember that.

This needs to stop now. Can’t go through too much crap again.